Be Spontaneous...

When I got out of the hospital a few years ago and was recovering, I told my boyfriend “I’m a go with the flow type of girl.” He started cracking up. To which he responded “Cayley there is nothing about you that is go with the flow.” Humph. Recently I said something similar to my dad. His respond “if the flow goes exactly how you planned it.” Really!?! Then he reminded me of my youth. I asked for an alarm clock in 2nd grade because I wanted to be ready for school on time. Just a year later when I started playing sports, I had to know what time we needed to leave by. I would then plan out how long each task of getting ready would take and set my alarm accordingly. So maybe ‘easy going’ wasn’t my middle name, I wanted to be prepared! There are all kinds of explanations for why I was this way, but the reality is, I am super type A. I love checklists, I love accomplishing and planning comforts me. The downside is I can get irritable and frustrated when things don’t go my way or when there is no plan. I also can lack spontaneity. I’m pretty much okay with this, but I have to consider other people and the way they like to do things. My fiancé is a go with the flow type of guy. He doesn’t like time limits or planning things out, he relishes in doing nothing. He reminds me to chill out, relax and take a breath. I remind him that sometimes, you got to pick up the pace. In the spirit of living in the moment of each day and really living, I thought it would be good to step out of my comfort zone. Now planners be careful. Planning to be spontaneous is a total contradiction. Instead, I am being mindful of it and looking for opportunities to do something on a whim and purposely NOT planning all of my time. A little daunting when so many things right now need to be planned but a good exercise none the less. Last week, I was spontaneous. I realized Seattle Restaurant Week was almost over, and I was going to miss out. I HAD planned on cooking that night and going to the gym. I then started thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn’t try something out last minute. Then I stopped myself and asked my fiancé if he wanted to try some place new and go out to dinner that night. Of course, he said yes, and we did it. Now in full honestly, there was a smidge of planning because it wasn’t totally spur of the moment, but we all got to start somewhere right? The night turned out to be a success and fun. I was able to plan gym time for later in the week and all the reasons why I was thinking I couldn’t be spontaneous were irrelevant. There has to be a healthy compromise of some planned and unplanned events. Checking things off a list makes me feel a sense of accomplishment, but it can be balanced with a healthy dose of flying by the seat of my pants and going with the flow!

You're not perfect...

Of course we all know this, yet I find myself always measuring how well I do based on perfection. For example, I had great energy and excitement about actually starting & sticking to this blog-yet I haven’t done anything since my initial post. I’ve been consumed with work, life, wedding planning etc. But as I flew back from Spokane last week I thought of the blog and the reasons why I wanted to do it.

As my fiancé and I get closer to the wedding date, my checklists grow and my 30th birthday looms closer. I am reminded of why I wanted to start this blog-I want to appreciate and reflect on my life-not just check things off a list or wait for the end result of work. Without the journey, there would be no final destination to enjoy. And just because this experiment hasn’t gone perfectly or the way I envisioned doesn’t mean I failed-I am not perfect. AND while I know that on some level, it doesn’t change the fact that many times I strive for perfection and am disappointed when I don’t meet my high expectations. Being okay with imperfection is my new focus.

My fiancé often reminds me of this-I both appreciate him for it and get annoyed at the same time. When I get disappointed or frustrated with other people or a situation, he’ll say to me “just because it isn’t done according to your standards doesn’t mean it’s wrong.” That is so true, yet so hard to live by sometimes. With that realization, I’ve been trying to focus on two things:

1. Everyone has their own standards
2. Just because I aim for perfection, doesn’t mean that is the right way and doesn’t mean others have to

Both ideas lead me back to my conclusion, I am not perfect, and that is okay. That is the reality of life. As I go into the remainder of the week I try to take that with me and forgive myself for the times when I don’t check everything off the list or do things perfectly.

How it Started...

So where did this all begin? I picked up a book I started some years ago titled The Happiness Project. While reading, something struck me; I do a lot of waiting, especially this year. In 2012, I will hit the big 30 and get married: two rather significant times in one's life. While reflecting on my own life and happiness, I noticed how much of my life lately is waiting on a singular event. While in some regards this is understandable, I also became aware of how often I think in terms of when x happens I'll feel (fill in the blank).

Additionally, I recently had the 2 year anniversary of what I dubbed "The 3 S's." You see in 2010 I almost died. I ended up suffering 3 strokes, underwent emergency brain surgery and had 3 stents placed in my brain. One might expect that I wished this never happened, but for me, it is quite the opposite. When I think back, the months following my surgery were some of the happiest I had been in a long time. Why? What seems to be at the core is-I was so thankful to be alive that I wasn't taking the daily things for granted. I was closer to my family, my now fiancé and my true friends. I lived life differently. Life was precious and of value for me. While even still today I carry fear and doubt that it all could happen again, I would never reverse it. The event changed me. Afterwards, I saw life through a different lens and while it’s come out of focus as the hustle and bustle of my daily routines returned, I want to regain that clear picture of what is most important and reclaim the respect and value I felt for my life at that time. Appreciate all the small things and live each day and in each moment, not waiting for the next milestone. I realized that the majority of our lives are defined by 'everything else' and what lives in between those so called major life events. Those moments are just a snapshot in time. And while they represent a culmination of work, if I don't take joy in the journey, my moments of satisfaction will be few and far between. How I choose to respond to life will define my own happiness.